The burning of Heart ache

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The burning of Heart ache

Post  Wonderer on Mon May 31, 2010 5:48 am

It wasn't exactly what I had wanted. In fact... it was the complete opposite. But why does it matter anymore? Nothing matters anymore. At least, not enough for me to give the slight bit of interest. They always said to me never loose hope, never give up or let yourself down. How could they not see I was a lost cause? They were only wasting their breath. Loosing myself in one person so much that I was blind to everything around me, was my greatest and most terrible mistake. I had never known till now. Only because I was still blind. I still am.

I had never thought about what the worst type of pain was. When you are painless you don't think about those kind of things. You only know you are pain-free. Maybe a sting or a bruise would occur every now and then. But to actually think about it? Who did that?

If I were to have been asked before I lost my sanity, I would have probably thought about it for a long time before coming up with 'burning'. The truth is, if I were to be asked now, I would have thought burning to be the least amount of pain a single being could feel.

Sometimes I would accidently burn myself on the oven, and it did hurt a lot. So burning had to be the worst type of pain I could think of. But now even the burning won't take away the torturing pain I feel in my chest.

I can hear them. They talk about me. About what they will do with me. About where I will go when 'it' is over. Sometimes they speak to me. To tell me what is going on. But their voices are so distant. I don't want to hear the voices. They tell me I am still alive. Even though I have forgotten how I got here, I remember why I wanted to die. I remember I was supposed to die.

It had been dark when I died. It was the same night he had left me. For the girl, the slut, the bitch, the one who had reminded me I didn't give him what he wanted. Had it been too much to ask for him to love me back?

There was the other pain. The fifty percent of what the pain was that was hurting me so much. The part where our love was questioned. The rejection. Had he ever loved me? Why had we stayed together for so long? What was it about me that wasn't enough for him? Was I not good enough for anyone? I wasn't good enough for him.

I remember the cars that had driven by so fast I knew I would be dead within a couple of seconds. It was like at the faire - which car would be the one to win? The one to kill me and end the pain. The endless aching pain...

Go, go, go, they taunted me. Go, go, go. Do it. Do it now.

My heart beat was pounding in my mouth. I could hear it yelling at me - shouting at me to do it. Jump, jump, jump, jump.

I obeyed.

And yet, I am still alive now. At least, I think I am. I still hear, though I can't see anything but the black abyss, there are people still here.

Laughable. At first I had thought I was in the hospital. That I had survived and they would force me to see someone about my suicide. My depressive state. My pain. I knew they wouldn't be able to stop the pain, no matter how many drugs they pushed into my system. Maybe the drugs would have worked. But I wasn't in a hospital. I was far from one.

They didn't tell me much while I burned. They told me I would wake up soon, and I was still on Earth. They didn't tell me if I was alive. I havn't a clue.

That was the other fifty percent of the pain. The burning and the facing of the unknown. I had always been upset when I didn't know what was happening to me. If I was dead and unsure of where I was, was that not a reason to be? I had wanted death but death was meant to be painless. It was meant to be where I would cease to exist. Where I wouldn't have to see him or his bitch again. And where I could stop writhing in this pain.

Someone could have ripped my heart out and I wouldn't be able to tell the difference of the two pains. The burning was hardly bothering me at all. In fact – it was taking away the worse pain of my heart. Of the pain he had caused me.

How easy it was to hurt someone. And he wouldn't feel a thing.

When I wake up, is where the one hundred percent becomes a thousand. Death was not my ending. It was merely my beginning. And where I would roam this earth for eternity as an immortal. A soulless wonderer. All was left, was my endless pain. Everything else was gone. Everything still is.

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Confused? Basicly theres this girl who falls in love but the guy cheats on her so she commits suicide. However, she is found and turned into a vampire.

Wonderer

Posts : 27
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Join date : 2010-05-31
Type of Creator? : Movie creator ^_^, writter and sometimes I write poems/lyrics (only when I am really down though)

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